All The Single Ladies Part Deux

I feel comfortable enough to share with you that I'm typing this in a black leotard and black pumps, ala Beyonce's video.  But enough about Honey B and back to me......

I knew I wanted a partner for life and I knew I wanted to start a family.  Those two things were dating deal breakers for me.  If the fella didn't want those things, it was time to move on...Funny aside, I dated two men, practically back to back, that shared with me about three to four months in to the relationship that they weren't really sure if they wanted to get married or have children.  Ironically, both of them shared this with me while dining out and I distinctly remember having the strong urge to leap over the restaurant table and throttle them while crying, "Why did you waste my f'ing time!"  Except I didn't imagine saying "f'ing".  I didn't react in this manner, however. I tried to remain aloof and unaffected, but I think they both saw right through me.  I think they both strategically chose to disclose this in a public place.  Both were testing my reaction, I'm sure.  I'm sure I was oozing "I-want-to-get-married and fertilize-my-eggs" vibes.  At the time, I really liked them both.   One of them I liked for mainly one key reason....one exceptionally large key reason (wink, wink, nudge, nudge)  But seriously, looking back, they both would have made terrible partners for me.  And in an ironic twist,  I found out one of them was recently married after fathering a child. Both of them drove motorcycles, by the way...and I don't like motorcycles, never have.

Anyhow, once I decided to find someone silly enough to take on my big bag of bullshit, which had gotten even larger due to my messy engagement break up, I signed up for a few online dating providers and I stopped smoking.  I didn't stop smoking just to improve my dating life, but reason I did stop was because I didn't want to date a smoker.  The hypocrisy couldn't be overlooked. 

Mind you, this was before e-Harmony was cool and the cutesy Match commercials.  This was when it was still a little taboo and you were still considered a little bit of a relationship leper when you admitted you were trolling the internet for someone half-well adjusted who might just buy you a friggin cup of coffee.  Long story long, it turned out to be frustrating, anxiety provoking, self confidence-shaking, and significant expenditure of lip gloss, but the experience provided some of the funniest stories of my life.  I vow to share with you some stories of the bozos I met while online dating. Priceless stuff my darlings.  Suffice it to say there are a lot of wing nuts charading as bachelors out there ladies. 

And this brings me to my well-buried point; offering more advice for single ladies who want to find a man. And I am talking about dialing in the gals who are serious about finding a man for a monogamous, long term relationship and/or marriage.  Mind you, if you are a committed bachelorette, I absolutely commend you and I occasionally fantasize about having your life. There's something to be said for renting and not buying.  But right now,  we're focused on finding some prime male real estate and taking on the 30 year mortgage.

Here's what absolutely blows my mind, as I've mentioned in my previous post, selecting a life partner is one of the most important decisions you'll make in your life.  Hands down.  Yet, there are people who leave their meeting a partner completely up to fate (insert raspberry noise) and who do not employ a process for their selection.  Now, you've probably figured out that I'm not a romantic person.  Its just not part of my DNA. I believe in intention and process.  So, let's revisit our process and offer some specifics.

1) Know your resume; know thyself

When you're looking for a job, you have to know your resume backwards and forwards.  Same here.  Get clear on what you will bring to a relationship. Ask yourself why someone would want to spend time with you.  Make a list and continually add to it.  This will build confidence.  My friend Kathy used to always say to me, "You're the catch!" when I was whining or literally crying after a date or someone didn't call when he said he would.  You ARE the catch and until you believe that at a cellular level, you'll need to fake it.  So, write your list about why you're so badass, look at yourself in the mirror and say, "HELLLLLLOOOO HOT STUFF!!" 

Also, list the most significant relationships you've been in.  It could be one or up to four...don't go beyond four.  Next, list the four best things about the relationship and the four worst.  Write about how you met and write about why it ended.  WRITE this. Don't just think about it.  Look for parallels, repeating themes. Guaranteed self discovery...patterns you are repeating, types of characteristics you are attracting, flattering and unflattering characteristics/behaviors you exhibit in relationships.  You'll learn something new about yourself, guaranteed.
*If you've yet to have a significant relationship, write about a relationship you've imagined.  Not a perfect one, but a real one. Write about your imagined highs and lows and imagine it ended...How did that happen?  It may feel silly, but just do it.  This is your relationship resume.  Keep it and refer back to it.

2) Get clear on your requirements; what do you have to have?

This is the intention part.  The more clear you are about what you want and the more you intend it internally and externally, the more likely it will materialize. Don't feel ashamed about wanting what you want.  If you want a boyfriend, you want a boyfriend.  It doesn't mean you're a desperate.  IT MEANS YOU'RE HUMAN....you want companionship, someone to share the ups and down with, you want to get laid (gasp!).  

So, list what you are not willing to negotiate and do not feel guilty about any of it.  Its the rest of your life.....We're not selecting a badminton partner at a picnic here kids.  Do yourself a big fat favor here ladies: DATE/MARRY SOMEONE WHO WILL MAKE YOUR LIFE EASIER NOT HARDER.  If you always have that theme running in the background, you will never go wrong.

Here's a sample list (this is not mine, btw):

nonsmoker
earns at least 75k annually
has to want at least 2 kids
has to be willing to relocate to Los Angeles for my career
cannot be allergic to my dog
can only be a moderate drinker
has to be Jewish
has to be accepting of my gay friends and family members

Listen, I'm not here to judge your have to haves, I'm just here to respect them.  If you don't want to be with someone who already has kids (or whatever the have to have is) DO NOT let anyone talk you in to being okay with it.  If you change your mind, great, but do it for your own reasons and on your own terms not because your Aunt Painintheass convinced you you'll never find a man at age 35 unless you bargain down.  I call bullshit. 

Spoiler alert:  I didn't want to marry someone who already had kids and I married a man who was over 40 and didn't have any kids and more importantly, wanted them as much as I did.  Its okay to not be willing to negotiate some things.  Just know the longer the list, the longer the search. 

3) Identify what is negotiable

Okay, now list the nice to haves.  The stuff you're a little more flexible on.

Sample list (again, not mine)

would love it if he:

is artistic
loved to watch The Notebook as much as I do (good luck sister)
practices yoga like I do
likes to snow shoe and ski like I do
owns every Celine Dion CD (I'm cracking myself up over here)
earns above 100k
has parents who are still married
has a large family and was closely tied to immediate and extended

4) Create a diverse search plan; don't rely on one channel

Okay, now that we know ourselves, what we're bringing to the party and are clear on what we want, we have to get off our asses and go get it.  Back to the job search analogy, you don't just look at Careerbuilder to find your next job right?...You look at several job boards, you network..you tell everyone you know you're looking for a new job, you peruse company websites' career pages, you attend industry conferences, trade shows, work with recruiters, etc.  Same thing here.  List various ways and venues in which you can meet potential partners.

Sample list (this is somewhat mine)

sign up for one online dating service
sign up for another online dating service
attend speed dating functions
tell your friends you want to find someone and allow yourself to be set up
go out with friends and introduce yourself/flirt with men....restaurants, bars, ballgames, concerts.  Any public place has potential
join a personalized matchmaking/dating service
attend church socials
 
5) Start interviewing/dating

This is where you execute the plan above.  Dating is like interviewing, but should be less pressuresome.  Remember, you are evaluating them as much as they are evaluating you.  Now, kick up your heels and put yourself out there. And its okay to have reservations about online dating or going to the speed dating function, but do it anyhow.  It so important.  To steal the best advertising tag line in history, Just Do It.  Lean on your friend when you're feeling unsure.  Have a couple friends wait for you at the bar while you're doing the speed dating thing.  Afterward, have a drink and a laugh about the experience.  Call a friend right before and after your first blind date, or meeting the guy you've emailing on Match.com.

6) Compare and Contrast; Chose the best option

At least in the beginning, its a game of numbers.  If you're really approaching like a job search and you're executing your multi-channel plan, then you'll have different opportunities at different stages in your pipeline.   Meaning, there may be some people you've dated 2 or 3 times and you're going on a first date with someone new tomorrow.  I kept a dating journal and I found it immensely helpful.  Record the major attributes and vitals of your dates and maybe use a basic scoring system.  Just give the date a 1-10 score.   When its time to narrow the field you'll find these notes useful.  You'll also find it to be amusing reading material in the future.

7) Close the deal; accept the offer

This is a lot easier than it may seem.  Simply identify one or a few people who warrant your energy and time, based on meeting all your have to have requirements, at a minimum.  If they don't, you are wasting your time, and theirs, for that matter.  And if you date a while and don't find anyone who meets all your have to have criteria and you're feeling a weary, once again lean on your homies and take a little break.  You're not going to miss out.  He's out there.....Just make sure he doesn't own a motorcycle ;)